


Decayed

by rex_sun



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Death, Drama, F/M, Gore, Horror, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-17
Updated: 2014-02-17
Packaged: 2018-01-12 21:21:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1201099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rex_sun/pseuds/rex_sun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suzaku dies that day in Shinjuku, and Lelouch sets off on a new path: one that is destined to decay with time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Decayed was inspired by a prompt on an anonymous meme and mutated from there. As of the time of this publication on ao3, February 2014, Decayed is three years old, having originally been written in March 2011. Decayed was my second attempt at fanfiction and the first piece of writing I had ever produced that was plot-reliant and multi-chaptered. That in mind, please read it kindly. I admit plot is not my strongest suit, but the quality of the prose is something I'm proud of even three years later. Enjoy.

Suzaku dies that day in Shinjuku, and all Lelouch can think about is that he is the only one who gives a damn.

***

When he comes home after witnessing his first friend bleed to death on concrete, countless other innocent people ripped to shreds, and his big brother’s brains splattered on the throne by his own hands, Lelouch’s fingers shake so badly he can’t open the back door. It is Sayoko who greets him, dressed for sleep with a gown pulled modestly over herself. She looks fully awake. Lelouch goes upstairs to check on Nunally (breathes a sigh of relief because for one crazy moment he thought maybe, maybe Clovis already knew we were here or maybe someone overheard me talking to him or maybe the sky fell and Nunally, too, would be dead, face down as Suzaku was, the wood floor stained beneath her). Sayoko momentarily serves him a bowl of rice that for some reason is warm, and Lelouch is grateful that she doesn’t bother asking Lelouch where he’s been.

Lelouch sleeps deeply but not well, tossing and cracking open his eyes at five twenty eight in the morning, too bothered by a dream about Clovis to not see his gentle blue eyes staring from above his bed in judgment.

***

Lelouch can’t bring himself to say anything to Nunally. He takes her hand in the morning because she was so distressed by his disappearance, but that is all he has to do and she gasps and asks him what’s wrong. Lelouch removes his hand from hers— “It’s nothing you should worry about, Nunally” —but he feels if he opens his mouth any more, he’ll vomit right on top of their shiny black shoes.

So he manages to get through the next day, really, by specifically not thinking of that day. Or tries not to, anyway. At one point he really does vomit after seeing some footage, and he really can’t avoid thinking about it when he’s speaking with Kallen. There’s business to attend to, after all.

Lelouch sits in his room that evening and searches the web for news about Shinjuku. He had forced Clovis to order that all the bodies be treated with care, whether Brittanian or Eleven, but no one bothers to list the names of dead Elevens, not even the soldiers. No matter how much he searches, Lelouch cannot find one Suzaku Kururugi listed.

He leaves that very day to visit Shinjuku.

The world is still light out, somehow, by the time he is walking through fields of trash bags, clearly separated from the body bags of the Brittanians. He had considered bringing a handkerchief sprayed with perfume, but then thought maybe it would be an insult to his friend, with whom he once traversed decimated cities. At one point, he recalls grimly, the bodies of the Japanese had lain so thickly over the ground that there was no more stepping over, only stepping on.

He holds his breath as much as he can. Doesn’t even breath through his mouth, just doesn’t breath at all, because he doesn’t exactly want to taste death on his tongue.

Suzaku is in a body bag, not a trash bag, thank god. The tag on it says, Suzaku Kururugi, 17, male, 11. A photo of his dead face is included in the tag, but it isn’t enough. Lelouch leans down and unzips the bag.

***

Someone anonymous posts online that the son of former Prime Minister Genbu Kururugi, Suzaku Kururugi, is dead. The post gets mild interest from the rest of the anonymous collective, but it soon dies away and Suzaku is forgotten. Truly, the world is mad; Lelouch knows this as he toys with a pocket watch that belonged once to Genbu Kururugi. It is whole, somehow untarnished from the battle. It ticks away steadily in the palm of his hand.

***

The night after his first appearance as Zero, in which he spoke to Kallen’s terrorist buddies, Lelouch dreams of Suzaku for the first time since his death.

It is a strange dream that doesn’t quite add up. They are together in the fields of sunflowers, but Suzaku is grown, not a little boy, and so is Lelouch. It all seems very natural to him at the time, however, and he enjoys playing again with Suzaku.

“I’ve missed you, Lelouch.”

“Yeah,” Lelouch says. It isn’t adequate. His eyes water a little from the brightness of the sunflowers. “I missed you, too. I didn’t realize how much.”

Suzaku grins in the way Lelouch remembers, boyish and mischievous and warm. “Missed getting beat up by me, did you?”

Lelouch can’t help but be his old self here. “Of all the—! Of course not, you fool! I missed—”

He stops, because he suddenly realizes why the ground he’s running on is so uneven. There are bodies underneath the flowers, their dull greys and reds contrasting sharply with the ultra-brightness of the green stalks and yellow petals and blue, blue sky. Fertilizer. Lelouch smells decay and the sweetness of nature all around him.

“Missed?” Suzaku asks, walking back towards him, a giant sunflower held to his chest, partially obscuring his face. Zero’s mask rests in the center of the petals.

“Well,” Lelouch admits, promptly forgetting the dead people he is standing on. “You made me happy.”

“I did that?”

“Yes. And I don’t think I’ve been quite as happy since.”

***

It takes a lot longer than he would have guessed to make the Japanese trust him. Lelouch hadn’t expected it to be easy, exactly, but he did feel enormous pressure— to the point where, again, he vomits into the toilet and sweats himself to waking at night. Sometimes he reaches for the pocket watch he places on his bedside table at night, looks at it, and wonders what Suzaku would say.

Suzaku, who was always brave and strong. Suzaku, not lived even a fourth of his natural life. When he imagines Suzaku now, it’s in the same vein as that horrible dream in which that beautiful summer was marred by the death and decay. He sees, in his mind’s eye, Suzaku leaning against a tree, looking healthy and warm and— there’s that strange gentleness in his eyes before he closes them —there remains the empty shells of cicadas next to his skin, on the trees. Flowers wilt by his feet, still so bright but unable to take the heat. And Lelouch smells Suzaku, too. Suzaku smells like rot.

Still. Still. Suzaku was brave. Lelouch can’t really fathom why he became a soldier, but Suzaku had still been Lelouch’s friend. Suzaku had died for Lelouch, after all.

He’d been such a good person...

Lelouch feels his eyes grow hot and quickly switches to obsessing over his plans once more. So: Kaname Ohgi. Leader of the terrorists that Lelouch had worked with on that day. Captured and soon to be publicly executed. This was Lelouch’s— no, Zero’s chance to make a miracle.

And a miracle he would make.

***

Mere moments before the plan to rescue Ohgi in front of the entirety of Area 11 was to be enacted, Zero takes a moment to compose himself, removes his helmet, and Lelouch vomits.

It almost seems like that is all he could do, lately. Mostly it comes out clear, and Lelouch is left with the same clenching emptiness that matches the feeling in his chest perfectly.

He clenches his fist briefly around the Kururugi pocket watch. Hears Suzaku’s voice say, “You and I together, we can do anything”— the same promise from their childhood, carried on putrid breath from between rotting teeth...

—or, just the wind, breezing past his sweaty, bared neck. Nothing more. The smell of exhaust fumes, from the car the terrorists had put together for him. Nothing more. Zero replaces the mask and straightens, walking out confidently, glad they were far enough away to not have heard him in a moment of weakness.

Amongst nervous or irritated glances, he takes his place behind the flag of Brittania. He doesn’t pretend that they trust him an ounce. They’re helping him only because they have a beloved friend to save.

Zero understands.

***

Zero is glad to use his Geass on Gottwald. Ohgi looks very confused and beaten as he walks stiffly to meet Zero and Kallen in the middle of the street. He also looks a little scared, but that dies down at the flip of red hair peeking out from Kallen’s cap. The plan goes as smoothly as Zero could have wanted, and soon enough Ohgi is reunited with his friends. The look up at Zero after they say their hellos and Are you okay?s with eyes shining. Not for him, not quite yet, but they look at him with happiness, pride, and hope, left over from their reunion with Ohgi. It’s not for Zero. Not yet anyway.

Ohgi approaches him, neck raw, face split and bruised, and he bows his gratitude. Zero (Lelouch) does not bow back.

“Join me,” he says imperiously, voice booming and broken through the voice scrambler and the echoes of the building. Even through the mask, he smells dripping water and mildew.

Ohgi smiles. “Yes. We will make a good team. I owe you”

***

Lelouch returns home that night, very satisfied with the day’s events, to find a woman in a prison suit sitting with his younger sister. Lelouch splutters at her, barely registering such a strange name— C.C.? —and he can’t get her away from Nunally fast enough.

“How did you come back to life?” he asks her at one point.

“‘Come back’? Implying that I died.”

“You did,” he says, simple and stubborn, glaring at her as she makes herself comfortable in his bed. She smiles back at him, cat-like.

“I guess I did.”

“It isn’t fair,” Lelouch hisses.

And she agrees. “No, it really isn’t.”

***

Shortly thereafter, Margrave Jeremiah Gottwald loses his command, and becomes, simply, Jeremiah Gottwald. Cornelia li Brittania takes control of Area 11 in Clovis’ place. Euphemia li Brittania becomes the sub-viceroy, but rumor leaks out that she was injured somehow. When Lelouch digs further on the internet, there is something written very scarcely about a scuffle between the Purebloods. When Euphemia and Cornelia appear together on the television, one of Euphemia’s arms is harnessed to her body. The scandal takes some time to die down.

At some point, more food than usual starts appearing on his plate. When Lelouch realizes it, he looks up in surprise to where Sayoko is placing a glass of milk next to Nunally’s plate. She says nothing, but after dinner she corners him. He’s a little intimidated, not really having received such attention for about eight years. All she does, though, is take his pulse, and rest the back of her hand against his forehead.

Results inconclusive, she backs up a pace, smoothes his hair where she messed it up, and then walks away to attend her duties to Nunally. That night, Lelouch lays on his side, arms circling his turbulent stomach, C.C. sleeping carelessly next to him. He falls asleep late into the night and dreams of Sayoko. Sayoko turns into his mother, living, who turns into his mother, dead, who turns into Suzaku, dead, who turns into Suzaku, alive. Even when he’s alive, though, Suzaku smells like he’s dead.

***

That horrible woman... smells like pizza. She orders many different kinds of pizza with his debit card, but she often orders the kind with mushrooms. The smell makes him even more sick.

One day as Lelouch is having tea with Nunally— anything to get run away from the horrible smell of mushrooms (not to say tea with Nunally is a bad option) —the most ridiculous thing happens. Somehow a cat has gotten hold of his Zero mask.

The resulting chase is, frankly, ludicrous. In fact, trying to crawl up the side of slanted roof after the damned creature, Lelouch loses his grip and falls. He manages to catch onto the ledge of a window, but his strength gives out. It slows him down enough for the football team to crowd under him, though, and the only thing really hurt is his pride. The student council rushes over to make sure he is alright. Past their leg, he sees the cat walking away, mask-less, and Lelouch is so relieved he starts to laugh.

His friends don’t quite understand, but laugh with him. He spends the rest of the afternoon dodging questions, and has to give a kiss to a girl that snatched the cat into her arms. Nunally names the cat Arthur.

Suzaku comes to mind. Suzaku had loved cats. Of course, Suzaku always came to mind.

***

“Brother?”

“Mmhm?”

“Do you ever think of Suzaku?”

Lelouch freezes utterly in the middle of inputting data into his laptop. His stomach flips and he suppresses a— well, he doesn’t know what he’s holding down, maybe yet more vomit, or perhaps a scream or tears or something very, VERY unpleasant.

“What brought this up, Nunally?”

They are sitting in the living room on a Saturday. Sayoko has the day off, and all the electric things save Lelouch’s computer are shut down. Even the bulbs have been turned off, and the room is illuminated gently, beautifully by the bright sunlight streaming in through the open windows. Nunally is facing these windows, the breeze lifting her hair and tossing it about her face. Bathed in this pureness, she looks like an angel to him.

“Nothing in particular. I just think of him very often,” she says softly.

“Very?”

“Yes, very often. I’ve been so happy lately. I think Suzaku would’ve been great friends with Milly and Rivalz and Shirley... and I think Nina would have gotten used to him. After all, Suzaku managed to make even you like him, brother.” She giggles happily.

“Nunally,” he starts, then has to clear his throat because his voice cracks a little. She cocks her head in his direction. “I...” (He can’t do it he can’t do it he can’t do it, sorry Suzaku) “...I think of him often, too.”

For once he is glad Nunally is blind, because she smiles as he cries.

“Big brother, it’s okay to admit it. You loved him, didn’t you?” Lelouch doesn’t answer right away, so Nunally continues. “I really loved him. He was like another brother. I adored him. What about you?”

“Yes,” Lelouch finally says, and opens his mouth to say more, but feels something coming up, and so has to leave.


	2. Chapter 2

The news broadcasts that Viceroy Cornelia is cleaning out the Saitama ghetto, and Lelouch recognizes the setup for what it is immediately. He almost expects the moment when C.C. levels a gun at him. She, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to expect the gun he puts to his own head.

“Before I met you, I was dead,” he says, a slight smile on his face. He finds that he is not bothered at all by the thought of dying. “An impotent corpse living behind the guise of life, a life in which I did nothing real. Day to day, I merely went through the motions of living, as if I were a zombie, and I always had the feeling that I was gradually dying. If I am condemned to go back to that, then I’d rather...”

He begins to pull the trigger when she finally backs down. He still smiles at her, unfazed. He thinks of his mother, of Suzaku, one rotted and one, perhaps, still rotting, but he doesn’t know how long it takes, really. Death wouldn’t be so bad, he thinks, except then Nunally would be the one haunted by decay.

***

Zero fails utterly at Saitama, and Lelouch hates to be the one being saved by C.C. He belatedly admits that he should have called in Ohgi and the others, but perhaps part of him was sure he could do it just as he had before. C.C. tells him he is arrogant as she flips her hair from Zero‘s collar.

He does not fail during the hotel jacking. This time, he calls Ohgi and together they capture the attention of all of Area 11. Meeting Euphemia was... strange, to say the least, just as confronting Clovis had been nigh otherworldly. The Black Knights make their debut, and most of all, the admiration of even Britannians. After all, Zero and his Black Knights single-handedly took care of the hotel jacking while the Britannian military stood to the side, looking like fools.

The Black Knights’ popularity could only soar from there; they took on criminals and corruption and their numbers swelled furiously. Lelouch even managed to forget, from time to time, that, save Nunally, the two people he had loved most in the world were murdered.

***

He doesn’t really know what makes him do it. He never told anyone about himself if he could help it, and so to say something to Kallen, of all people, completely defied his own reasoning. Still...

“Britannia killed a friend of mine.”

She whips her head to look at him. She suddenly looks contrite, biting her lip. The day isn’t so bad, and the mist wafting over from the nearby fountain feels nice on his skin. It feels nice, also, to sit here next to her in the sunshine. His stomach is settled.

“He was Japanese,” Lelouch continues, and Kallen’s eyes widen even more. “I lived here before the invasion. He was killed right in front of me.” He gives her a small smile, because that’s better than showing his true face to anyone. “I suppose... that’s why. I’m not really the type to sit by and watch Britannians beat up Elevens.”

He doesn’t really know why he says it, or why he no longer wants to look her in the eye. Maybe— and he mentally scoffs, because C.C. said some ridiculous thing similar to this a few days ago —maybe Lelouch is simply lonely. Hiding his face from the world, hiding his true feelings from his friends, and just plain hiding from Nunally.

But she lays her hand on his arm, and his muscles twitch but he doesn’t pull away.

“I understand,” she says.

He doesn’t believe her until after a few more days, until after he learns about her mother. Then, yes, he believes her when she claims that she understands what it is to lose.

***

Later, Zero knows that entrusting Kallen with the Guren Mk II is the best idea he’s ever had. He can’t contain his jubilation at capturing that woman at last, here in the mountains of Narita.

“You put up a valiant fight, Cornelia,” he announces over open channel. Her energy filler is depleted, her Knightmare unmoving. He can hear her growling and cursing. The fact remains that Narita was a complete and utter victory for the Black Knights. He orders Cornelia taken into custody, to which Ohgi and Tamaki gladly comply. His older sister is stubborn, and they have to forcefully remove the hatch on her KMF before she is willing to come along.

“Q-1. You did excellently,” Zero transmits to the Guren. There is a long silence in which he hears her draw her breath shakily, before she says,

“Thank you! Zero, sir!”

***

Cornelia glares at him, eyes full of fire, but with her arms tied, it doesn’t matter much to Zero. Here in this cave, none of them can hear the ongoing battle outside as the Black Knights continue their campaign and, without their commander, Cornelia’s forces fall. C.C. stands somewhere to the left, a gun aimed at Cornelia.

“Zero, you bastard—” Cornelia begins to growl, but Zero removes his mask and she stops short, eyes widening in horror. “...you?”

Lelouch takes his sweet time, not feeling that he has to hurry, smiling slightly as he pulls down the cloth mask over his face and adjusting his gloves. The smell of wet decay hits his nose.

“I see,” Cornelia whispers. Her demeanor isn’t half as aggressive now. “So you were Zero the entire time. Dalton was right. He said it was someone with a grudge against the Britannian Imperial family. You— you did this for Nunally?”

“Correct,” Lelouch confirms. “I will demolish the current world and build a new and better one in its place.”

“You started this all for the sake of that madness?” Her face twists in some sort of agony he doesn’t bother trying to sympathize with. Right now, he wants answers, not to connect with his darling big sister. “You even killed Clovis?” she screams.

“Yes,” he confirms again, very calmly. “It was necessary. He’d seen my face, but that was before I could capture him. I couldn’t let him go free and run home to you and father, saying that Nunally and I were alive.”

It’s a disastrously weak excuse, and he knows it. He could have just used his Geass to silence Clovis. In fact, he could have done a lot of things. He could have shot Clovis in the heart, not the head, and then at least the family could have looked at his face one last time. But Lelouch supposes he was angry— is still angry —a poisonous, gut churning, hideous rage that lashed out with cruelty. Because Clovis had a family and people that loved him and the best doctors and artists around. If Lelouch had shot him in the chest, had left his face intact, had let the family look upon him once more... he would have been beautiful. Stunning. A gorgeous corpse. They would have injected him full of chemicals, kept him in a cold place, wrapped him in his finest clothes. Did his hair, colored him with makeup, lined his coffin with the most expensive material man knew. He would have smelt nice. They would have put flowers on his pillow to frame his face.

And while Clovis would be held on high, paraded and fawned over and cried for, Suzaku would be in a bag. A bag labeled ‘11’ that didn’t keep out the smell of his rot. And Lelouch had leaned forward, crouched down beside the first friend he had ever had, the only friend that knew Lelouch’s true self utterly, who had given his life protecting Lelouch, who had protected Lelouch and Nunally in the past—

He had opened the bag, and Suzaku had been rotting. Not much, not too much, the face was still recognizable... in a way. (It’s hard to recognize the dead face of someone you knew while alive. Something changes, something leaves. It had been Suzaku‘s body, but it hadn‘t been Suzaku.) But it had been very, very hot and humid out, and the bodies had decayed very, very quickly. His face had been blue, his hair lank. There had been the smallest of stains on the side of his neck. Removed of his armor, his uniform shirt had looked a little strained.

Lelouch had been unable to claim the body. They wouldn’t let him, since he was not family by blood or certificate. So Lelouch had had to leave him there.

And to think Lelouch could have spared Clovis’ face...

“Don’t speak to me of Clovis any further,” Lelouch hisses. (All his fault—) Cornelia is wincing, and she doesn’t quite look like the Goddess of the Battlefield right now, and Lelouch takes pleasure in this. “And I would not call it madness, sister, when compared to the current state of things. This current Britannia world. You fight, and fight, and then what? The weak are cast aside. People like Nunally are cast aside. It’s a world lacking in morality, in common human decency—”

“Hah!” she spits, her eyes a little wild. “To hear that from Zero—!”

“It seems that talking to you any further would be utterly pointless,” he interrupts as she had. “Well then, my sister. Lelouch vi Britannia orders you to answer him!”

There is a small moment as the order takes place, and then her face goes slack and accepting. “Go on.”

***

Zero is in a bad, bad mood, especially considering they won the battle. He tries not to bring down the morale of the troops, and indeed, he is such a practiced liar that hardly anyone notices. It is only people like Ohgi and Kallen that notice anything is wrong. When asked, C.C. curls a finger around her hair and looks off to the side and refuses to give a straightforward answer.

Zero stays with them quite a few days after that, which is rather strange in and of itself, as their masked leader usually does short business and leaves afterwards— to only god knows where. But really, only a bad commander would leave at this point. The Black Knights secure the mountain as their own trophy of victory and help dig out bodies from the wreckage. Under Zero’s direct order, the bodies are not to be desecrated. Anyone caught pillaging or damaging a corpse will be punished severely.

It is only a matter of time, Lelouch considers, before Britannia will retaliate. For now there is a truce so that bodies may be recovered, but Guilford, now temporary sub-viceroy under Euphemia, is still out there, circling like a mad hawk. Waiting to charge in and save his princess from the evil dragon, surely.

Lelouch calls home and fabricates some lie about getting caught near the mountains and something about the roads being torn up by the landslide and the military restricting movement. Nunally sounds so worried for him that it hurts. He thinks of Euphy and orders also that Cornelia be treated with as much dignity as an oppressed people can muster towards their oppressor.

Todoh and the four holy swords show up at the new base for Black Knight operations. Ohgi toasts them at a victory dinner for the senior staff. Outside, many others celebrate as well. Zero sits back, present but not eating, and there are several jokes made his way, all of which he ignores.

Nevertheless, it lifts his spirit a bit, despite the fact that he is no closer now than he ever was to finding the truth of his mother’s murder.

***

One week later, there is a visitor. Just as Lelouch is preparing himself to sneak back home to his little sister, Ohgi knocks and delivers the message. Lelouch snatches up his mask and greets the representative of Kyoto.

He is lead to a private room where she and her two bodyguards are. She sizes him up and down, smiling pleasantly, her lips glossy pink. She then dismisses her two bodyguards, with great protest on their part. When they are finally alone, she sits formally at the low table and begins to pour tea. Intrigued, Zero flares his cape and sits on the other side, legs crossed.

It takes him a while, but she leans over and puts the tea in front of him, and her eyes are green.

“Sumeragi Kaguya,” he says, in her native order. She glances up, delighted. Her cheeky nature has not changed even now— serving Zero tea, honestly!

Zero stands, locks the doors, makes double sure that they are locked, and returns to his seat. She takes a sip of her tea.

“I’ve admired you for some time,” she begins. “Ever since the Black Knights made their debut. It really was something. The Six Houses of Kyoto really want to show their support for you in this troublesome time, but travel is difficult. It was very hard to make it here. Still, I’m glad I got to meet you; you see, I personally requested to be sent here.”

“You did?”

“Yes, you see, I want to take care of the Kyoto business, but I also want to ask for your hand in marriage.” She takes another sip of tea, looking very serene and straightforward and Japanese. Also, her eyes are pretty.

“I see,” he says, not without humor. “And why have you decided this?”

“Well, if you keep winning battles, you’ll eventually need a wife, won’t you? I mean, I know your identity’s a big secret and all, but you’re going to need someone as your public face, right?” she says with a wink.

Kaguya has a strange effect on Zero. He hasn’t felt so lighthearted since forcing the confession out of Cornelia, but now he is starting to smile beneath his masks.

“Really? You think I’m going to win the battles of the future?”

“Of course!” she exclaims, perfectly confident without seeming at all foolish. “Especially if you have me. I am the Goddess of Victory, after all.”

“Then I should be lucky to have you, Lady Kaguya.”

“Good.” A warm, gentle smile.

There’s something very attractive about this girl’s concept that love comes after marriage, if at all. It reminds Lelouch of realizing you love someone after he’s dead and just a ghost inside your head.

“Won’t you drink, my fiancee?” she jokes.

“Don’t mind if I do,” Zero says quietly as he removes his mask. Her face is priceless as he takes a heartening sip. Then she laughs, so loud it’s pretty much unladylike, but Lelouch kind of laughs with her, so that’s that.

***

Lelouch again dreams of Suzaku. Suzaku, Suzaku, is never far from his mind, no farther than his mother is. But there’s something a little different when he thinks of Suzaku, as opposed to when he thinks of his mother. Maybe it’s just a bit more special, because Lelouch was born to love his mother. On the other hand, Lelouch chose to love Suzaku.

Lelouch dreams of the day they became friends. He, Suzaku, and Nunally, all hiding in Suzaku’s secret base. Nunally pressed up into Suzaku, who smiles like crazy and sings songs and doesn’t mind reaching over her to grab a snack from an even more secret compartment. The two look cozy. Like brother and sister. Lelouch is fine with that, because Suzaku saved her.

Lelouch dreams of the rain making the earth run into mud. The water seeps into the plants and soon the smell of rot ruins his little fantasy. Ten year old Suzaku becomes seventeen year old Suzaku, curled around Nunally like mother had curled around her. And Suzaku is rotting, the smell so great, filling up the entire base, somehow stretched to accommodate his adult body. He is entirely marbled and stained, face swollen, fit to burst. A piece of his flesh peels off and plops onto Nunally’s cheek. She screams— Lelouch screams—

Lelouch is screaming a little as he wakes up. C.C.’s arms are around him as she kisses his forehead. Lelouch leans into C.C.’s breast and does his best not to vomit on her.

***

(Suzaku, he thinks, chose to love Lelouch.)

***

“We have our contract,” C.C. says in the gentlest voice he’s ever gotten from her. “I won’t leave you.”

“You don’t ever die, C.C.?” he asks, face still buried in her neck and shoulders, the top of her chest.

“No, never,” she says knowingly.

“No rotting?”

“I never manage to rot.”

“It’s just... really something,” he chokes out as he finally leans back. Her arms slip away from his head to rest on his knees and she looks at him with golden eyes free of judgment. “It’s silly. I didn’t even know him all that long. Maybe a couple of months and that’s it. Hell, half of that time, we hated each other.” He smiles briefly and bitterly. “But it was— it was cruel. To meet him so suddenly, and to have to give him up just as suddenly.”

“So that’s what’s bothering you?”

“...yes. He was. Well. When he looked at me, down there in Shinjuku, there was such warmth in his eyes. That’s what drove me crazy. As in, how could he have looked like that? What was going through his head? What happened to him in the seven years we were apart? Because the Suzaku I remember wasn’t quite like that, I don’t remember a look like that on him at any time. The person I loved so much: I didn’t know anything about him. Why he joined the army or how he had fared or what he felt about me or anything.”

Lelouch reaches across her and gathers up the pocket watch sitting innocuously on the bedside table.

“What would he feel about what I’m doing? Suzaku was so brave, and there was a little bit of something angry there, or at least when I knew him there was. He had promised to help me become Emperor when we were kids. But what about now? Would Suzaku Kururugi stand by Zero’s side?”

“What do you think, boy?”

“...I really just don’t know. If I had never met Suzaku that day in Shinjuku, I would have said yes without a doubt. But the Suzaku who was a soldier with gentle eyes... I just can’t say.”


End file.
